Tsarskoe Selo, 21- Jan. 1915
My very own beloved One, Once more I pen a letter to you wh. you will read when the train carries you away from us to-morrow. It's not for long, & yet it is painful, but I wont grumble, knowing it brings you comfort & a change & others intense joys. - I hope that Baby's leg will be alright again by yr. return - it looks like it did in Peterhof & then alas it lasted long. I shall always give you news about the little foot & about Ania, - either "A." or "the invalid". Perhaps you will think some times in yr. telegram to me to ask after her health, it will touch her, as she will miss yr. visits sorely. -
I shall try & go to the hospital to-morrow morning, as, I get up to go to Church with you & see you off, hate that moment & can never get accustomed to it. - Darling, you will think of speaking about the officers of the different regiments, that they should not loose their places & speak over those different questions with Nikolasha; perhaps you wish to mention the Manifest to him, If you want to do another kind act, telegraph once to Fredericks, or tell Voieikov who wires to him daily, to give a message from you.
In prayers & thoughts I shall accompany you, alas not in reality - feel my presence & incessent love hovering around you, tender & caressing. Goodbye, Sweetheart, treasure of my soul, God bless & protect you & bring you safe & sound back to us again. I kiss -you fervently & remain, huzy dear, yr. very own old wify
In the glass cupboard in my compartment you will find candles, in case you need any; think I am lying there at night & then you wont feel so lonely. -
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 22-nd 1915
My beloved One,
I have just heard that a Feldjeger leaves, so hasten to send a few lines. Baby spent the day alright & has no fever, now he begins to complain a little of his leg & dreads the night. - From the station I went to him till 11 & then to hospital, to 1, sat with Ania who is alright - she begs me to tell you what she forgot giving over to you yesterday fr. our Friend, that you must be sure not once to mention the name of the commander in Chief: in your manifest it must solely come from you to the people. - Then I went in to see the wound of our standard-bearer - awful, bones quite smashed, he suffered hideously during the bandaging: but did not say, a word, only got pale & perspiration ran down his face & body. - In each ward I photographed the officers. After luncheon say goodbye & then I rested & got a wee nap, after wh. I went up to Alexei, read to him, played together & then had tea near his bed.
I remain at home this evening, enough for one day. - Sweet treasure, I am writing in bed, after 6 - the room looks big & empty, as the tree has been taken away. - Sad without you, my Angel & seeing you leave was nasty. -
Tell Fedorov I have told Viltchkovsky - to find out whether 0. Martinov would like to lie in the big palace as he wont be able to move for very long - & here we can get him out fine days to the garden in his bed even - I want to let the sick lie out, I think it will do them much good.
Now the man waits, so I must end. - I miss you & love you, my own Nicky dear. Sleep well. God bless & keep you. 1000 kisses fr, the Children & fr. old
Baby kisses you very much. He did not complain in the daytime.
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 23-d - 1915
My own beloved Nicky dear, I am lying on the sopha next Baby's bed in the sunny corner room - he is playing with Mr. Gillard. Benkendorf came to me & before that M-me Scalon (Homiakova) - she told me how much one needs sisters out in the the front flying-detachment as the poor wounded are often very badly cared for, having no real doctors & no means of sending off their wounded - its all well arranged to the east & north, but in Galicia & the X. armycorps much ought yet to be done. This morning I sat with Baby; he had not had a famous night - slept fr. 11-12 then woke up constantly, not from very great pain happily. So I had sat with him in the evening - whilst the girls were in the hospital, Isa came to me. In the morning I gave instruments during the operation, & felt happy to be at work again, then I watched the girls a little at work, after which I sat with Ania - met her brother & nice looking bride there. The sun is shining brightly, so I have sent the girls for an hour's walk. - According to the agency telegrams, such a heavy fighting has begun again, & I had, so much hoped there would have been a little quiet. - Ania had slept better, 38.2 yesterday evening, this morning 37.8 - but that does not matter, she hopes you will give over the news of her health to N. A - I think you both must be glad to hear no more grumbling.
Sweetest one I miss you very much & long for your tender love. It is so silent & empty without you. The children have lessons or are in hospitals, I have lots of papers fr. Rostovtzev to finish. - Forgive a dull letter, but my brain is tired. - Baby kisses you many times, but wify yet much more. - Goodbye & God bless you my treasure, my sweetest one - my tenderest thoughts suround you. I am glad you got a little airing at the stations. -
I bless you & kiss you, & remain Y. very own old
Give my love to N. P. & Mordvinov. If there is any interesting news, do tell fat Orlov to let me know, please.
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 24-th 1915
My beloved Darling,
A glorious sunny morning again - I have to keep the white curtain down, as the sun shines straight into my eyes as I lie. Baby slept well, thank God, woke up 5 times, but soon went to sleep again, & is merry. Ania slept also with interruptions, 37.4 yesterday evening 38.6. The girls were in the hospital in the evening, but she was sleepy so did not keep them. I go earlier to bed now, as got up earlier too, on account of Alexei & the hospital. - Now I am next to Baby's bed again - I had an endles's report with Rostovtzev. Then Isa with affairs, & before that Georgi lunched. -
In the morning I made two bandages & sat with Ania who finds an hour always too little & wants me in the evening, but I remained because of Baby & that she understood besides I have been feeling so tired of an evening. - Only seeing suffering makes a bit weary. - Such sunny weather, & Voieikov wired to Fred: you have it too, thats nice. I am sure Vesselkin tells you lots of interesting things. I sent you a letter fr. Ella wh. I got. - Baby is better wishes me to tell you so; the dogs romp in the room. -
Several of our officers are off to the Crimea to get stronger. The children walked & are off to the big palace; Marie stands at the door & alas ! picks her nose. Vladimir Nikolaievitch and Baby are playing cards until I finish. I feel my letters are mighty dull, but I hear nothing worth repeating. My train arrives now. - My treasure, I miss you so much. But I hope you can get some good walks to brace you up, give apetite & sleep. - I went into Znamensky church a moment before this hospital & placed a candle for you, huzy mine.
Are you really having that dull Shipov for yr. hussars? My ex - Shipov has received the St. George's Cross - Sandra P. telephoned to Tatiana to share the news with us. - All the children kiss you ever so tenderly I enclose letters from Olga & Alexei, our love to N. P. & Mordvinov.
Goodbye my very Own, God bless & protect you - Ever yr. very own
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 25-th 1915
My very beloved One,
Again a gloriously sunny morning, 10 degrees. Only got to sleep after 4 then woke up still several times. Ania had last night 38.8, leg hurt - slept better this morning 37-3. Now she suddenly likes the sister Shevtchuk & wants her in the room at night to send her to sleep. The girls went there in the evening but she wished to sleep, so they sat in the other ward. Baby sweet was quit cheery yesterday & asleep before 10 Motherdear feels depressed getting no news of the war since you left. -
Such intense joy, I received yr. yesterdays' precious letter, thank you for it with all my loving heart. - Don't be anxious about me, I am very careful & my heart is behaving well these days, so that Botkin only comes in the morning. Fancy, F just heard that M-me Pourtzeladze received a letter from he husband fr. Germany - thank God he was not killed - she adores him so poor little woman - I can imagine how interesting Vesselkin was - God grant his expeditions further success. So Piaterkin remains with N. lets hope he will us him thoroughly & send him about to wake him up. Yes, its lucky your people get on well together, it makes all the difference - I shall tell Ania her book has such success. -
Were at the wedding - sat with Ania (who sends this note) from 1-2 then again - & then to the big palace. Baby has been twice in the wee sledge in the garden & thoroughly enjoyed it. - I send you our very tenderest love kisses & blessings, my one & all, my muchly missed treasure. -
Ever yr. very own
Messages to N. P.
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 26-th 1915
My own beloved One,
How happy Olga must be to have you with her to-day a sunny day & recompense for her hard work. - Fredericks sends me the copies of Voyeikov's telegrams, so I got the news of all you do, & whom you see. - This morning I went to Znamensky church & the hospital, dressed several wounds & sat a little with Ania. She had the coiffeur so as to get her hair untangled, to-morrow he will come again & clean it. Zina is again ill, so nobody can do it well. She looks alright, complains only always about the right leg, Longs to go over to her house, & if the temp. gets quite normal, the Pss. has nothing against it. How tiring it will be for us - but lovy, from the very first you must then tell her that you cannot come so often, it takes too much time - because if now not firm, we shall be having stories & love-scenes & rows like in the Crimea now, on account of being helpless she hopes to gain more caresses & old time back again - you keep fr. the first all in its limits as you did now - so as that this a c c i d e n t should be profitable & with peaceful results. She is much better, morally, now. - I have heaps of petitions our Friend brought her for you. - Here I enclose the telegr. you received before leaving. - Fat Orlov might find out through Buchanan what sort of a man this son of Steads is.
Boris came here for 3 days to fetch Miechen she cannot come to see me as she has not yet been out & there in Varsovie the warm air is to her good. She goes to see her hospital & train & motors. Its a great pitty, as the Poles neither care for the way in wh. she invites herself to their houses to meals - its so tactless of her arranging a second Paris. - Tatiana received the St. George's medal for having been under fire, soi disant, in her motor, when she went to bring presents to the Erivantzy - the General there gave it to her - that's not right, it makes the order too cheap - if a bomb, a shall burst near the motor & you are simply driving by chance with presents, not working under fire, you get it - & others who work for months, as Olga, quietly in one place, & therefore have by chance not got under fire, won't receive it. - Next Miechen will be returning with it, you will see - then Helene & Marie deserve it much more for their work in Prussia at the beginning of the war. - Baby was out twice again & has rosy cheeks & does not complain of his leg nor of his arm - but he lies in bed. We take tea there, wh. is cosy & not so sad as down in my mauve room without you. One misses you dreadfully my love, have such bad nights - get to sleep only after 4 these three nights and wake constantly. again, but the heart is keeping decent for the present.
Just got yr. telegram from Rovno & rejoice for you both Dears - I hope all will go off well at Kiev & Rovno.
Precious one, my tenderest thoughts always suround you longingly, lovingly & I rejoice for those that see you & to whom you bring new energy and courage. You brighten up all always by your serenity.
Lets hope you will have daily warmer, sunnier weather & will return browner, than when you went. Please, give kindest messages from us all to N. A and A Do you sit sometimes in my compartiment?
Now I must give my letter out, as the man has to take it to town, - then I shall get a little rest before dinner.
Do not worry, that you have no time for writing, I understand it perfect well, & not for a moment am hurt - Goodbye my precious One, I bless you kiss you over & over again - ever so tenderly, all the favourite places. -
Ever yr. very own
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 27-th 1915
My own beloved Nicky, I just received yr. wire from Kiev, am sure it is a tiring day you are having. - How disgusting the Breslau having shelled Jalta - only out of spite - thank God no victims. I am sure you will long to fly off by motor to see the damage done. - The fighting is strong again at the front & heavy losses on all sides; - these dum-dums are infernal! -
I saw Betsy Shuvalov, who is arranging a front detachment for Galicia, - she is still full of your visit to her hospital & the joy it brought to all hearts. -
We had an operation this morning - rather long but went off well. - Ania gets on alright tho' her right leg aches, but the temp. is nearly normal in the evening. Only speaks again of getting into her house. I foresee my life then! Yesterday evening I went as an exception to her, & so, as to sit wit the officers a tiny bit afterwards, as I never have a chance. - She is full of how thin she has grown, tho' I find her stomach & legs colossal (& most unapetising) - her face is rosy, but the cheeks less fat & shades under he eyes. She has lots of guests; but dear me - how far away she has sliped from me since her hideous behaviour, especially autumn, winter, spring of 1914- things never can be the same to me again - she broke that intimate link gently during the last four years - cannot be at my ease with her as before - tho' she says she loves me so, I know its m u c h l e s s than before & all is consecrated in her own self - & you. Let us be careful when you return . How I wish one could sink that odious little Breslau! The weather continues being glorious. Baby is daily better, lunched with us & will The weather continues being glorious. Baby is daily better, lunched with us & will come down to tea, now he has a French lesson, so I came down again. - Two more of my Siberians arrived, nice officers. Have no answer fr Martinov. Give my love to N. P. Ania got his wire fr. the Stavka but dawdle about answering. Shall give her over yr. love. Girls have a committee this evening. - I slept 3 hours from after 4 1/2 till 7 1/2 this night, so tiresome I cannot get to sleep early.-
Must end now, Treasure, my Sunshine, my Life, my Love - I kiss & bless you. -
Ever yr. very own
Baby wishes us to come up to tea. Think of me at Sebastopol & all known places. - Feel Jalta will tempt you - don't mind on our account being a day late.
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 28-th 1915
My beloved One,
Such loving thanks for yr. dear telegram. Voyeikov's to Fredericks I read with great interest as they tell in detail where you have been. How tired you must be after all you did at Kiev, but what a sunny remembrance you leave with all - you our Sunshine, Baby our Sunbeam. I was just now in the big palace with Marie and Anastasia, 2 of my Siberians arrived there & 2 in our hospital, then an officer of the 2-nd Siberian regiment (comrade of Matznev) with an amputated leg & a priest of the 4-th S. regiment wounded in the soft part of his leg, made a charming impression & spoke of the men, with such love and deepest admiration. - In the morning I made three dressings. A little Crimeans, whom I received in autumn after his promotion, is wounded in the arm - already in the Carpathian hills. - Ania's lungs are quite alright again, but she is weak & giddy, so is to be fed every two hours. I fed her personally, & she ate a good luncheon, more than I eat. -
I read two short stories of Saints to her & I think it was good & has left her something to think over, & not only of herself, wh. is my aim with her. -
The big girls went to town to Css. Carlov's small hospital in her h ouse & to the Winter Palace to receive donations. - Baby has his lessons, goes out in the donkey sledge twice a day; he says your tower has dwindled somewhat. We take tea in his room, he likes it, & I am glad not to have it here without you. - Some regiments get their rewards awfully slowly, how I wish one could hurry it up. - And they do complain so, Viltchkovsky said about those 6 weeks as they loose so much & it makes them bitter, because if they go back too soon , they quite loose their health & if they remain over their term of 6 weeks, they loose so much. -
Nikolasha's long telegram fills one's heart with admiration & deepest emotion what bravery to withstand 22 attacks in one day.
Really saints & heroes all of them. But what ghastly losses the Germans have & they don't seem to care. - Thanks so much for letting me get these telegrams. -
One says Rodzianko's speech was splendid, especially the end, I have not had time to read it yet. - Isa's Mother comes to me this afternoon, as she is going to Denmark, tho' her husband does not want her. - What do you think Madelaine told me, fr. people she knows, whose acquaintances returned just now fr. Jena, where they had lived several years. At the frontier one undressed the couple in separate rooms & then searched their b to see whether they had hidden any gold there. Too shameful & mad. - In the goldmines, niggers hide away gold there, but you see Europeans doing such a thing ridiculous if not so degrading! - I daily place my candles at Znamenia.
Yesterday I was in bed at 11 1/4 & got to sleep after 2 - Slept till 8 with interruptions - an Orenburg shawl on my head helped me to get to sleep - but waiting so long for sleep is a wee bit dull, but not to be complained of as have no pains. - Thank God my heart keeps decent & I can do more again with care.
Marie has a bad finger since several days, so Vlad. Nik. cut it to-day in my room she was very good about it & did not move - those things hurt - it reminded me of Pss. Gedroitz whose 2 fingers I had to cut & bandage & the officers looked on through the door.
Sweet Manny mine, beloved One, huzy my very own Treasure, goodbye. God bless & protect you. I kiss you ever so tenderly & fondly & bless you, yr. own old
You will receive this already on yr. homeward journey. - Many messages to N. A & Mordv. Glorious, sunny weather Continues. Goodbye wee one, me's awaiting you with open, loving arms! I enclose a letter fr. Goodbye wee one, me's awaiting you with open, loving arms! I enclose a letter fr. Marie.
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 29-th 1915
My own beloved One,
Loving thanks for two dear telegrams. I can imagine how emotioning it was going on board our dear ships, & how your precious presence will have given them new courage for their difficult work. How one longs for them quickly to get hold of the Breslau before she does any more harm. How lucky there were only so few wounded still in the hospital. - Over & over I thank you for your dearest letter from Rovno - it came as a very great & most pleasant surprise whilst I was still in bed. Fancy Olga going to be the eldest sister now of the red Cross community out there - with God's help I am sure she will manage well. -
Petia has turned up & comes to-morrow to luncheon. I shall be having to see his mad father, as I sent Loman twice to him with questions about our trains, & he received before others & screamed at him & insulted him & understood everything wrong, tho' he had the paper wh. I had seen before he got it. He is so impossible rushing about the room, giving others no time to speak & screaming at all. - This night I went to sleep after 4 1/2 & woke up early again - such dull nights! Then we had Troitzky's Operation, it went off well, thank God - hernial rupture & then I had to do several pensements, so scarcely saw Ania. Our Fr. came there, as He wanted to see me a second. - Fredericksy & Emma lunched, I photographed them. Olga & Tatiana only returned near 2 they had so much to do. In the afternoon I rested & slept half an hour. Then we took tea with Alexei upstairs, then I saw Loman, - Viltchkovsky's report is always at the hospital. - Baby stands - & I hope, by the time you return, that he will be able to walk again. Marie's finger is not yet right. - Ania is better, but the humour not famous - I fed her, so she ate alright & she sleeps quite decently now. - The most of the wounded I could not see to-day, there was no time. - I am so glad you had good talks with N. Freder: is rather in despair (rightly) about many orders he gives unwisely & wh. only aggravate, & things one had better not discuss now - others influence him & he tries to play your part wh. is far from right - except in military matters - & ought to be put a stop to - one has no right before God & man to usurp your rights as he does - he can make the mess & later you will have great difficulty in mending matters. Me it hurts very much. One has no right to profit of one's unusually great rights as he does.
The weather continues being glorious, but I cannot venture out into the garden.
Do you remember one of our first wounded officers Strashkevitch who had his head tied up & spoke so long to you, until you felt quite faint? Well poor man, he returned to his regiment & has been killed. Sad for his poor family - he served in a bank. - I said to Loman that some, of the wounded might also come with us to Church & take Communion with us - it would be such a consolation for them, & I hope you do not object. Loman will speak with Viltchkovsky, & you can warn Voyeikov, if you don't forget. - How the "noises" this night will remind you of the Yacht - that clang clang of Sebastopol.
Sweetheart, what joy to have you back in four days! Now I must send off my letter. Goodbye & God bless & protect you my dearest darling Treasure.
I kiss you ever so tenderly & hold you tight in my loving old arms.
Ever, Lovy, yr. very own
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 30-th 1915
My own beloved One, This is probably my last letter to you. So interesting all the news of Sebastopol, I regret not being with you. How interesting all you saw, you will have a lot to tell us. Thank God so few wounded. But it must have seemed to you like a dream going out in the steamlaunch round the squadron - & so emotioning - God bless the dears & may he give them success. The darkness at night must be rather uncanny I should say. - Alas! the news fr. East Prussia are not so good & we have had to go back for a second time - well we shall have all our forces stronger together then - I just read a very interesting letter Sonia received fr. Lindenbaum, thanking for the things we sent. He loves his regiment which only exists half a year Krotojaktsi, I think; he was in Prussia, & wrote the 22-d whilst battles were going on. Nikolasha sent Petia here to look after his leg - Karpinsky thinks it has been contusioned & so must be treatened according; but Petia cannot imagine when it happened as he felt no pain for ages. - Alek has a stiff back & so could not come & sent Petia with papers, & I gave him mine, & Viltchkovsky to help him explain all. - Then I had Rost: & B, Witte about Xenia's committee. In the morning I came to a Te Deum before the Image at Znam. wh. was nice - then I did several dressing's & sat with Ania our Friend's girls came there to see us. Her throat is much better, 37.1 but last night 38.5 dont know why. I did not go, as too tired. - She speaks in an extinguished voice & is dull poor soul, scarcely opened her mouth, except to eat, wh. she did well. Her poor back is sore again from lying. To-day its 4 weeks. - I must go this evening, as did not see all the wounded. To-morrow we have an operation. No sun to-day for the first time.
Now goodbye & God bless you my Sunshine. I kiss you very tenderly & lovingly, longingly, Ever yr. own old
Tsarskoe Selo, Jan. 31-st 1915
My beloved One,
This is Marie's paper, because I am beginning on Baby's sopha & did not bring up my thing for writing. - just received yr. dear telegram from Ekaterinoslav I had quite forgotten that you were stopping there. Can imagine how interesting the plate workshop must be - & yr. visit will encourage all to work quicker.
The operation went off alright this morning. - The officer Kubatov has invented a machine gun, wh. he watched being made at Tula & the navy has ordered. In the afternoon we went to the big palace & sat sometime with my Rifles, 2 fr. our hospital had also come to see them.
Xenia & Ducky lunched - both are well. At 6 I received M-elle Rosenbach, who has the Invalid house. - I said goodbye to 5 officers who are going back to the war - amongst them Schevitch he was sad not to be able to await your return - he leaves to-morrow, as otherwise fears loosing the regiment. Zeidler said he might leave, but he has not even tried to ride
& his foot will always I am sure remain weak, as the sinews were torn -jumping off his horse will always be risky & walking on enemy ground - his foot is tightly bandaged. But he felt tho' ashamed to remain here any longer. - Its much milder to-day & snowed hard this morning. Baby & Vlad. Nik. are dining 0. & A. are shooting soldiers. Ania is impatiently awaiting yr. return. She has grown really much thinner, & as she sits better one notices it more. - Now my very own one I must end, as the messenger leaves early.
Goodbye & God bless you beloved Nicky dear, such joy to think that in two days you will be here. I kiss you over & over again & remain yr. very loving
You understand I can't come so early to the station ?
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