Tsarskkoe Selo, May 4-th 1915
My own sweetest of Sweets,
You will read these lines before going to bed - remember Wify will praying & thinking of you, oh so much, & miss you quite terribly. So sad we shall not spend your dear birthday together - the first time! May God bless you richly, give you strength and wisdom, consolation, health, peace of mind to continue bravely bearing your heavy crown - ah it is not an easy nor' light cross He has placed upon yr. shoulders - would that I could help you carrying, in prayers & thoughts I ever do. I yearn to lessen yr, burden so much you have had to suffer in those 20 years - & you were home the day of the longsuffering job too, my poor Sweetheart. But God will help, I feel sure, but still much heartache, anxiety, & hard work have to be got through bravely, with resignation & trust in God's mercy, and unfathomable wisdom. Hard not to be able to give you a birthday tender kiss & blessing ! One gets at times so tired from suffering & anxiety & yearns for peace - oh when will it come I wonder ! How many more months of bloodshed & misery? Sun comes after rain - & so our beloved country will see its golden days of prosperity after her earth is sodden with blood & tears - God is not unjust & I place all my trust in Him unwaveringly - but its such pain to see all the misery - to know not all work as they ought to, that petty personalities spoil often the great cause for wh. they ought to work in unisson. Be firm, Lovy mine, show yr. own mind, let others feel you know what you Wish - Remember you are the Emperor, & that others dare not take so much upon themselves beginning by a mere detail, as the Nostitz story - he is in yr. suite & therefore N. has absolutely no right to give orders without asking your permission first.
If you did such a thing with one of his aide de camps without warning him, wld.' he not set up a row & play the offended, etc. & without being sure, one cannot ruin a man's career like that. - Then, Deary, if a new Com. of the Nijegrodtzy is to be named, wont you propose Jagmin?
I meddle in things not concerning me - but its only a hint, - (& its your own regiment, so you can order whom you wish there). h there). See that the story of the Jews is carefully done, without unnecesry rows, not to provoke disturbances over the country. - Dont let one coax you into unnecessary nominations & rewards for the 6-th - many months are yet before us! - You cant fly off to Cholm to see Ivanov or stop on the way to see soldiers waiting to be sent to refill the regiments.
One longs that each of yr. journeys should not only be the joy for the Headquarters (without troops) - but for the soldiers, or wounded, more need strength from you & it does you good too. Do what you wish & not the Generals yr. presence gives strength everywhere. -
No. 74. Tsarskoe Selo, May 5-th 1915
My own beloved One,
I send you my very, very tenderest goodwishes & blessings for yr. dear birthday, God Almighty take you quite particularly into His holy keeping. - I hope the candlesticks & magnifying glass will be useful for the train - I could not find anything else suitable, alas. - Ania sends you the enclosed card. -
This morning I went to Znamenie, then to her for half an hour. At 10 to the hospital, operation & dressings no time to write details. Got back at 1 1/4 - left at 2 for town. Xenia & Georgia were also at the committee - lasted an hour & 20 m. then went to stores got home at 5 1/2 - now must receive peasants from Duderhof & Kolpino with money. The Feldjeger must leave at 6. - Sunny, but cold. Am ramolie, so cannot write much & awful hurry., -
Slept badly - so lonely. -
My Angel Darling, I kiss & bless you without end - awfully sad not to spend dear 6-th together. Goodbye my love, my huzy sweet.,
Ever yr. own old
Tsarskoe Selo, May 6-th 1915
My very own precious One,
Many happy returns of this dear day. God grant you may spend it next year in peace and joy, and the nightmare of this war be over. I cover you with tender kisses - alas, only in thoughts - & pray God to protect and quite particularly bless you for all your undertakings.
Such a sunny morning - (tho' fresh) may it be a good omen. - Our Friend's lovely telegram will have given you pleasure - shall I thank him for you? And for Ania's card, wire me a message to give over to her. - We sat with her in the evening as she had spent a lonely day, by chance nobody, except mother & son Karangozov came to see her. - We had a tiring day, go I did not take Olga to town, because of her cold & Becker's visit; Tatiana, replaced her at the Committee. At the stores Marie Bariatinsky & Olga were making stockings, the same as they had been doing at Moscou so far -
Everybody asks for news - I have none to give - but the heart is heavy through Mekk's telegrams one sees the movements more or less. - Navrusov spoke with us by telephone, the sinner only leaves to-night - as he said to me, he had "fasted" for six months, now he must enjoy town. I called him a hulligan, wh. he did not approve of, - too bad, he says my health is better now, because he has been drinking for my health. I told him Pss. Gedroitz who is very fond of him, calls him our enfant terrible; then I spoke with Amilakhvari by telephone, & he will come to say goodbye to-day. - Bobrinsky has left full speed to Lvov.
They sang beautifully in Church. We had all my ladies, Benkend. & Ressin to lunch, then I received Kotchubey, Kniazhevitch, Amilakhvari then went to Ania & read to her, after wh. to the big palace for 10 m. - Now Xenia & Paul come to tea, so must end, - always a hurry. - Blessings & kisses without end - no news, so anxious.
Sweetheart, yr. very own, longing for you
Tsarskoe Selo, May 7-th 1915
My very own Angel,
Again I write in full haste, no quiet time. - Yesterday evening were at Ania's.
Slept not famously - heart heavy of anxiety, hate not being with you when trying times. - This morning after Znamenie peeped in to Anias, her sweet nieces & Alia overnighted in her house so as to get good air. - Then we had an operation anxious one, serious case - & worked till after 1. Before 2 said goodbye to Karangozov & Gordinsky, then Tatiana's committee big group 2 1/4 to 4.
Went to A. till 5, saw our Friend there - thinks much of you, prays, "we sat and talked together, - and still God will help."
Its h o r r i d not being with you at a time so full of heartache & anxiety would to God I could be of help to you - one comfort N. P. is near you & then I am quieter - a natural, warm heart & kind look helps when worries fill the soul; not a fat O. or Drent. As the cosacks begged everytime so much, have said two or 1 officer may come with us. - Fear it will be very official still, but our Fr. wants me to go on such journeys. -
Treasure of my soul, Angel beloved, God help you, console & strengthen & help our brave heroes. -
I kiss you over & over again & bless you without end. Must finish.
Ever yr. very own
May 8-th 1915
My beloved One,
Artsimovitch will meet you at Dvinsk to-morrow, and has proposed to bring you a letter. But I have the feeling that if the news continue not being good, that you will probably be remaining on still at the Headquarters. Such splendid weather & all quite green, a great difference after Tsarskoe. - So far all has gone beautifully & we are having three hours rest, wh. is splendid, as my back aches a lot. - We went to the Cathedral, a Te Deum of 5 minutes, the Bishop Cyrill seemed ramoli, I must say. Then went to four hospitals, the sisters of my Krestoyozdviiensky Community work in one since August in another, sisters & Drs. from Tashkent - everywhere good air, clean & nice; & not fussy. A group was taken of us with masses of wounded in a garden. Masses of Jews, & trains arrive with them from Curland - painful sight with all their packages & wee children.
-The town is pretty when one crosses the river. The Children had the Governor & Mezentzev to luncheon & then the latter came & sat with me - such a nice man & works well one sees.
Now we shall be going to one of his stores & to three hospitals & to the Palace where the Gov. lives as there is a store under my protection there. We leave again at 7. I did not sleep very, well. Wonder what news, feel so anxious far from you. - Now my Lovy, Goodbye & God bless you.
I kiss you from the depths of my loving heart Ever yr. very own old
The girls kiss you. I got your wire, that you have put off yr. journey, wh. is more than comprehensible - easier to be nearer these trying days - would to God that that "ray of light" might brighten into sunshine - one yearns for success - & now Essen's death, the one that the German's feared has died! Ah, what trials God sends - whom do you name in his place I wonder, who has the same energy as he for the time of war? I hate not being near you, knowing your suffering. But God Almighty will help, all our losses wont be in vain, all our prayers must be heard, no matter how hard it is now - but being far away, with scarce news is trying & yet you cannot get nearer. Sweet one, I know yr. faith & trust in God. St. Nicolas feast to-morrow may that holy Saint intercede for our brave, struggling troops. - I had my wish & saw a sanitary train wh. brought fresh wounded of four days ago, of the sixth infantry division the Maromizevsky and Nizovski. There were no very severe cases, thank God, tho' bad wounds, to many I said I should tell you I had seen them & their faces lit up. - We went over my store of the red cross wh. Mesentzev has, still 3 hospitals & the stores in the Governor's palace & took a cup of coffee wh. gave one new strength. My back hurts awfully - kidneys, I think crystals again wh. always cause pain. The pavement vile, glad, had our motors. Ortipo climb onto my lap, have sent her off several times without success - so yet more difficult writing on the top of her back in a shaking train. All the convalescent stood near the station when we returned, & schoolchildren.
Glorious sunset - quite summer - such dust. Shall finish this at Tsarskoe tomorrow.
May 9-th. We got here alright, the Pavlovsk line, as near Gatchina their had been an explosion on the train going with ammunitions - such a horror - 12 waggons they managed to save - one sees it was done on purpose; just what one so soreley needs, it does seem cruel. - The little ones met us at the station. Worked as usual in the hospital, was at Ania's, placed candles in Church.
After lunch received Apraxin, Hartman the Com. of the Erivanizi & a wounded officer.
Yr. Taube lies still at Lomzha & one was obliged, alas, to amputate his leg above the knee. Now I have got Ania coming, Sonia lunched with us - one says news a wee bit better ?
The a.d.c. of the blue curassiers brought us flowers - they love Arsenlev & highly appreciate him.
The wife of one of the Georgian officers is coming to me as its their feast - & later I want to take flowers to Grabovoy's grave. God bless you my Sunshine I cover yr. sweet face with kisses - Ever yr. very own
I have got hold of a rotten pen. Hope to go to Church - sad to-morrow's great feast not together. - Bow to all -yr. people.
Tsarskoe Selo, May 10-th 1915
My own precious One,
A lovely, warm, sunny morning; yesterday too it was fine, but so, cold lying on the balkony after the summerweather at Vitebsk.
Our Church is so prettily decorated in green do you remember last year at Livadia how lovely our little Church was & once this day on board in Finland too!
Dear me, how much has happened since the peaceful, homely life in the fiords.
Edigarov writes that they have 35 degrees of warmth. -
Sister Olga wrote that all their wounded had to be sent off in full speed with deep sorrow on both sides - the very worse were transferred- to another hospital wh. must remain. - God grant still P&L. wont be taken & that these great feastdays may bring us luck. This journey of yours I get no, telegrams alas, & so have to hunt in the papers for news - one lives through a time of grave anxiety - so I am glad you are not here, where everything is taken in a different tone, except by the wounded, who understand all much more normally. -
Drive with A. to Pavlovsk - my first drive since autumn - lovely, only one feels so sad at heart - & my back aches awfully since 3 days - then remained on the balkony & we are drinking tea there too. Thanks for yr. telegram Deary, - thank God the news are better. I saw 3 Of Olga's ladies, its the regiment's feast, then Kostia & Commander of Izmail. reg. - Sister Ivanova (Sonia's Aunt) fr. Varsovie -- interesting all she told about the hospitals there. -
Miechen heard through the Pss. Oginsky & told Mavra to tell me, that the prisoners (wounded) catholics are allowed to confess to Priests (Vilna) but not have holy Communion - thats quite wrong, but is Tamanov's order - if they are afraid of the Priests, then why allow confession I suppose those are Bavarians, I don't know how the protestants are treated can you speak to somebody to enquire into this? Thank old man & bow fr. me, & bow to N. P. - A. sends her love & kisses yr. hand. - Blessings & kisses without end, beloved One.
Ever yr. very, very own
Tsarskoe Selo, May 11-th 1915
My own precious Nicky, Again quite fresh and grey, & in the night only one degree - extraordinary for the month of May. - We spent the evening at Ania's yesterday, some officers were invited 810 l/2 & they played games - Alexei came fr. 9 1/4 & enjoyed himself greatly; I knitted. She gave me then letters fr. the wretched Nostitz couple to read - it seems this hideous intrigue was written to her relations to America, by a Gentleman of the American embassy, instigated by her enemies - the Ambassador is a friend of theirs. She thinks it is all done by Mme Artzinzovitch (an American by birth) a story of jealousy. But it was sad to read their despairing letters of lives ruined - but I feel sure you will see that this story is cleared up satisfactorily & justice done them. I care for neither, but the whole thing is a crying shame & N. had no right to act as he did with a member of your Suite, without asking first your permission - so easy to ruin a reputation & more than difficult to reestablish it. - I must dress now. - I ordered service at 91/2 in the Pestcherni chapel of the Dv. hospital, so that we can work at once in the hospital when mass is over. My heart keeps decent (drops always) but back aches very strongly - for sure kidneys. -
I had Engalitchev to-day & he told me many interesting things. - Went to the big palace & then lay on the balkony reading to Ania, tho' cold. Our Friend saw Bark for 2 hours & they talked well together. - God be thanked that the news is better, may it only continue thus. What joy, you are writing to me.
To-day its a week you left us. The Children all kiss you & so do I, my lovebird. Send blessings without end,
Ever, huzy love, yr. very own old
Sunny. Bow to old man & N. P.
My own beloved One,
When we returned from the hospital I found your beloved letter, & thank you for it from the depths of my loving heart. Such joy to hear from you, Sweetheart. Thanks so much for all details, I was so longing to get real, exact news from you. How hard those days were, & I not near you & such hard work, much to do. Thank God that all is better now & may Italy draw some of the troops away. I remember Savitch , did he not come to the Crimea? The new Admiral's face I don't remember, he is a cousin of N. P. - Have the Eriv. & all the Caucasian division been sent to the Carpathans, or is it not true? They were asking me again. -
Engal. said one expects the next heavy battles will be near Varsovie, but he finds our 2 Generals (don't remember the name) weak & not the types to meet heavy attacks he told N. & Janoushk. so.
Am so glad about the paper you sent of my Crimeans - they are then again in another division. - My Alexand. have also been doing well near Shavli. Wonder how my Kniazhevitch's health is, have no news since he left. - just now received 2 officers - the most going off to Evpatoria - that law of 8 or 9 months is fearfully hard - we have some with broken limbs wh. can be healed only after a year, impossible before, but then alright for service - & as they cannot possibly now return to their regiments, they loose their pay - & some are so poor, have no fortune of their own - it does seem unjust. Crippled, not always for life, but for a time, doing their duty bravely, wounded & then left like beggars - their moral sufferings becomes so great. Others hasten back too early, only not to loose all & may completely loose their health fr. that. Certainly some types (few) must be hurried off to their regiments because are fit for work already. - Its all complicated. -
My back still aches & now higher up, a sort of Hexenschuss wh. make's many movements very painful - still I managed to do my works. Now I shall lie on the balkony & read to Ania, as driving been shaken, makes the back worse-
What joy if we meet really on Thursday !
Goodbye my Love, God bless & keep you from all harm.
Ever such tender kisses from us all.
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